Lock it up....Unlock it

I just don't know what I want to do with this place sometimes.

Lock it up so no one can see or just let everyone read it.

I just don't know.

It has been over a month

*deep breath* I still miss her.

Is it bad that I

Looked up the cost of a train ticket to go up north?

$86 to up and $86 to come back. Takes just over 19 hours via the Amtrak.

I wish I could tell you

I wish I could tell you how smart you are.
How funny you are
how I love your simle
your laugh.
I wish I could just tell you "hi".
Or how much better I am making my life now
How I am turning my life around
how sorry I am that I hurt you
How much it hurts that I lost your trust.

I just want to tell you.
How I want to hold you.
How nice it was to be able to come home to you.
I still think of you everyday. I'm sure you think of me too, I just don't know how good the thoughts are.
I wish I had made the right choice.
I just want to be able to talk like two adults.
I understand the pain I have caused.
I wish you could read this.
I wish I had your support.
I hope you will reply to my last e-mail.
A part of me knows your will not.I never thought I would hurt this much.
Losing you hurts more than giving up this addiction.
I wish I would have known that sooner.
I hope you don't blame your self.
I know you tried to talk to me. I was scared.
I as scared like ending up like my brother.
You are a good person. I was stupid for thinking that.
I am learning so much about me. I wish you could see that.
I wish I had you.

Maybe I should just name this blog "I want you back" ;)
well at least I can still smile.
I hope you can trust me again.

She was amazing

I am really thinking of trying to get her back. Maybe I just want something I can't have. She was funny, smart, good.

I fucked it up. I wonder if she could trust me again.

Letter to her

I wish I would have opened my eyes sooner.
I wish we could still talk.
It was my fault.
I wish I could have googled ____ three months before I did.
I wish you were still here.
I wish you didn't think I was a monster.
I wish I could have your support.
I wish you could help me
I wish I didn't fuck things up.
I know the moment where it all fell apart.
I should have known something was wrong with me right then and there.
I should have asked for help sooner.
I want to tell you all this.
I wish I didn't have to deal with this.
I am going to get my life back on track.
I hope you can be a part of that.
I tried to give you 100% of who I am.
I am sorry.

I want out. I want to forget.

These last few days have been hard. Not as hard as it is getting called a monster by someone I loved. I know, because that just happened.

How many nights

How many nights am I going to go with out getting a good night sleep?
I know I have friends I can do to. Why do I type to a computer?
How long am I going to be in this funk?
Is it all because of silly girls?
How can I make this all better?
Why do I feel so empty?

This blog is depressing

Just going over the last 5ish posts. It sucks. It sucks that the only "person" I want to talk to is a stupid computer.
And I don't even want to do that.

Someone to talk to

So today is New Years day. Woohoo first blog of the new year!

Just seems like I don't have anyone to talk to.

:(